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kansaspoker
04-10-2005, 09:45 AM
I stole this from a guy who kind of compiled this list from a poker forum of funny lines heard at a poker table. A lot of them made me laugh out loud. Enjoy.

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Here's one from my weekly home game. Actually my Brother-In-Law said it, and still swears by it. He called an all-in bet pre-flop with 3 4 ! Naturally, he spiked two 4's, and when questioned about his call he said :

"Small suited connectors - Better than a pair."

That's the weekly line now. I think he got that one from Vince Van PAtten.

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Corollary to the "threes are hot tonight" line, the other night I heard a regular say, after a player picked up, "I'm taking the 1 seat. That seat is HOT!"

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Heard these last weekend in a 3/6/12 game:

"I need to play in a bigger game, people will play any trash at this table"

On the river, "Does a full house beat a flush?"

After losing a showdown, "I knew exactly what you had"

"I've seen almost every flop and still end up losing my a$$!"

"When I play high-cards, I lose. When I play low-cards, I lose. I don't know what else to play anymore!"

"This low-limit $hit (Hold 'Em game) aint poker...it's 2 card bingo! Hey floorman, put me on the 4-8 Omaha!"

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2 friends sitting at the same table..."Hey Joe, you sat down 15 minutes ago, aren't you going to say hello?" Joe says, "Oh, Steve! Hi, how are you? I didn't recognize you...you've got chips in front of you!"

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playing a NL game with friends, i had AA, and after many raises and reraise preflop, we got all in. he had JJ, and spiked his J on the flop. someone asked him how he couldn't put me on Aces, and he replied "well i did for a minute, and thought if he had AA then my JJ is as good as KK and i'm not folding KK."

it still cracks me up thinking about it.

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I make TPTK (top pair top kicker) on an all heart flop, I bet the whole way. As I am dragging the pot, the woman in the 10 seat says, "I only called the whole way because I knew you didn't have the Flush..."

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2-4 Foxwoods game, very loose passive, sitting next to guy I had been talking to for a while and he clearly thinks he is the best player in the game. He open raises UTG gets called in about 27 places (like every raise did in this game), at the end of the hand shows down 10-3o and his hand is way no good, when I asked why he played the hand he said "I was trying to steal the blinds"

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"I hate playing pocket aces, 'cause they never win"

(Heard someone bitching this while I was raising the pot with pocket aces. I won the pot.)

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"I can't believe she beat me with trip deuces."

(What? You'd rather your Ace-crap offsuit be beat by trip kings?)

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"All I got was pocket crap."
or
"If I could figure out how to play 62o, I'd be a millionaire."

(Both me, in response to people being annoyed that I'm folding so many hands pf. Typically, when I utter the second of those two, it's followed by a flop of 662, and a hearty round of laughter over what a crappy player I am for folding my 62o. I very much enjoy what that laughter holds for my future.)

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"When you raised me on the river, I realized you might have something."

(like my flop and turn raises didn't count. I'm glad they didn't.)

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Player 1: "I'm so stuck I have to hit the bad beat just to get even."
Player 2: "At least you have outs."

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my personal favorite

"these players are so bad you just can't beat this game"

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Recent home game, NL tournament. I limp in with QJ. Flop comes QJ7. I check, buddy bets T75. I check raise to T300. He calls.

Turn comes a 9, also putting two clubs on the board. I go all in. He calls. We both had about T1000, so we're basically both all in.

He says "I know you have the straight". Ok, then why'd you call? I table my cards, he sees my top two pair. He has A7s for bottom pair. However, he does have a flush draw, so I can't really argue with him calling, I don't agree that it was a good play, but its not a terrible play. Anyway, the funny thing is , before the dealer flips the river, he says " I have a lot of outs, I need any club (one would have boated me) or a 7.

I say, "or an Ace" at the same time the Ace of Spades falls on the River. And its side game action for me.


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I heard these two this weekend. Both were uttered by different opponents, but both loose passive calling stations nonetheless. They both soon ran out of money (I wonder why??????).

Line 1: 72 is garbage, but if they're suited, you gotta play them! (What a novel idea! Play suited garbage! I'll have to play that from UTG!)

Line 2: Why would you raise with AK?!? AK isnt really a hand! (I almost fell out of my chair on this one!)

Ahh, some of the wonderful things you hear at the low limit tables!

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Here's one I heard once during my 4-8 limit days:

"7's are on FIRE!!"

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Sounds a lot like the games at the Isle...

I flop a flush holding K Q . Lady bets, I call. Lady bets the turn, I raise, she reraises, I call. Lady bets the river, I call....She turns over two pair (caught on the turn). When I show my K-High flush, she says "well, it's good to know he'll raise without having the nuts!" !!!

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From last night's lodge tourney. Guy who limped 4/5 hands and raised the others. "You can't win if you don't see the flop."

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Heh. Someone in a pokerstars .02/.04 game chat accused me of having the site rigged when my AQ outkicked his A3o.

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Funny article from Daniel Negreanu... Here is a exerpt from an old article...

When charity casinos were first legalized, it was poker heaven. They played 11-handed limit hold’em, and I can honestly say that in my first three sessions of play at Lucky Star (one of the charity casinos), I was the only player who ever folded before the flop. One of the geniuses in the game even laughed at me when I folded, saying, “How can you fold now when you don’t even know what cards are coming on the flop?” This guy played at Lucky Star for six months straight, on a daily basis. It’s funny, though, I haven’t seen him since.

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kansaspoker
04-10-2005, 09:45 AM
My alltime favorite is something I overheard from the table behind us:

"So I raise before the flop, and he calls, the flop comes duece, rag, rag...."

I had chocolate milk thru the nose on that one.

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A couple of my favorites:
"dammit my dog wouldnt even take a crap on those cards" (from a tight player whod just had his pocket aces beaten by some crap 2pair)
and
"there's no such thing as bad cards, just bad flops" (I think I heard this one on another 2+2 thread)

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At our weekly home game, NL $10 buyin 0.25/0.5 blinds, "WPT style"

The first hand of the night there's a couple of calls and one guy raises to about $4.00. Everyone folds and he flips over 22.

The very next hand there are a couple of calls and one guy raises to $2, gets one caller and I reraise all-in $10 with AA. Everyone folds except the guy to my immediate right who calls. I flip over AA and he says "Damn I thought you were bluffing" and shows 45s.

what did he think I had? 23o?

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One of our local players has a good bit of style. He can be a bit out of line but he's fun to have around.

Anyway he picks up a huge pot with 72s. Now a guy with pocket kings who flopped a set but never bothered to raise preflop just lays into him. Well Barry turns on him.

"What are you talking about I always play 2 suited from the big blind for no raise, and you played like crap. And you can read all about it in my new book 'Sucking out from you'".

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I loved it when he always accused someone of slowplaying a hand when that person raised or bet the river. In his words: "slowplaying just isn't a part of poker." Of course, he hits his K7 2 pair on one hand and proceeds to check-call the flop, then check-raise the turn. Was that slowplaying? "No, I could have been beaten. You can only slowplay the nuts." Huh?

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Lucky Chances / Bay 101

Two Chinese guys do battle on the river.

One says, "I have nothing."

The next turns over an A with a better kicker, exclaiming, "My nothing better than your nothing!"

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I learned the following from a poker buddy of mine, who stated this happened during his recent .25/.5 NL homegame I was unable to attend:

There were two drunk, terrible, loosey-goosey new guys who were there to have a good time, and each must have reloaded numerous times for the $25 max buy-in/reload amount. On one hand, one of the regulars pushes all-in with a decent size stack on the river. One of the drunks looks at the board, pushes his chips in, and blurts out "I call; I have crap!" Even my eleven year old daughter chuckled at that one.
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Not sure this qualifies as "funny", but it's certainly
the worst advice I ever got.

First time playing live, i open raise with 99 in late position and win when i spike a set on the river (BB had
flopped 2-pair)
Old guy next to me says... "You got really lucky. You really shouldn't raise before the flop since you have to hit
the flop to win. I'll raise with aces, but only if i'm winning"

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Home game NLHE $1-$2 blinds. Both players have about $200
New player who has every WPT show memorized, but has only played once. We'll call him(Drunk), hed been drinking a little too much before he got to the game. Anyway, after folding every hand preflop about 10 times, he wakes up with an EP raise to about 6 bucks. Only the co calls. Flop: A A K
Drunk bets out 10bucks, co raises to 20, drunk says "I'm all in" while flipping over his cards. He happened to have A K . co, says "whew, thank goodness" while folding K K face up.

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Gosh, almost forgot this one.

Idiot next to me has A3o (with Ace )
I have AQ.

The board is ultimately Q J x T, x. I bet out on river and he flashes his hand before folding.

He then says "You were lucky the last card wasn't a diamond. Or a King."

Okay... So *I'm* lucky the best hand held up? Okay....

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I play a home game tourney every weekend with a bunch of friends. None of them are very good, but there's one who's particularly bad. His quote after another kid went on a hot streak.

"That's the thing about Dave. When he bets, he's either got something, or he's bluffing."

Yeah, couldn't be doing option #3...

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First time I ever played poker in a casino, I'm talking to the guy next to me and I tell him I would have hit trips on the river with my 4-4 had I not folded. He tells me you should "NEVER fold a pair." I say, "what do you mean?" He said no matter whats on the board "you should always call the whole way with any pair because if you get 3 of a kind you'll win." Greatest advice I ever heard.

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My friend heard this at the Bellagio last night from a player who was getting up to leave:

"I watch this game on the Travel Channel...I just lost $270..."

"Don't watch the Travel Channel"

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This just happened Saturday. Older guy Jerry sits down at the table as we are starting a new game. He is a big time regular at Lucky Chances. This morning he's wearing a Scoutmaster's cap. Mike the dealer looks over at him and comments on the hat. Jerry replies he didn't even know what the " logo " stood for, his son just gave it to him recently , your the fourth person to tell me this and so on...

Player to my right:

" Oh, I thought you were working on your gambling merit badge "

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Last time I was at the Woods, playing with a maniac. He folds in CO for one bet and I ask him, "What, you didn't get enough cards?"

The other one I always liked (for bad beat whiners, might be of 2+2 origin) was, "Dealer, will you please push my girlfriend the 2nd place pot?"

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kansaspoker
04-10-2005, 09:46 AM
Some favorites...

"You folded a king? A king!? You have to at least see the flop!" (After I accidently exposed by K7o while tossing into the muck.)

"Ehh, this hand is crap." (As he tosses into the muck pre-flop, after playing 83o to the river the previous hand.)

"Want to know how to make a ton of money? Just sit on the racebook all day and bet the #4 horse." (The #4 horse went on to win the next 3 consecutive races.)

"I just like to see big pots." (Justification for raising pre-flop every hand.)

"I had to call, I had jacks." (Justification for calling to river with pocket jacks, despite raises from other players with A and K on board.)

"Only crap wins at this table."

"You're raising before the flop? Before the flop? You haven't even seen the flop yet, and you're raising? What could you possibly have that you would raise without having even seen the flop!?" (During a home tournament.)


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And my all-time favorite saying in poker - when someone complains about a bad beat:

"This is called Poker. You wanna sure thing, go find your mother."

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A guy who called his whole stack after FOUR players were already all-in preflop. Board ends up having two fives, and he drags down the huge pot with 2-5 of diamonds:

"I figured everyone else had all the good cards, so my cards were going to flop."

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1-2 Uconn game I absolutley destroy.
Player 1-"Why did you call on the turn and not call a river bet"
Me- "You really want to know.
Player 1- "Yeah"
Me- "I didn't make my hand."
Player 1- "Then why did you call on the turn."
Me- "For implied odds because my hand was hidden"
Now im confused. Is he really dumb or what.
Player 1- "Oh stop with that Bull$hit, Just shutup and play the game right."
Me- "Sorry, my fault."
After i said that the whole table burst out into tears they were laughing so hard.

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I heard this on Saturday night. 4 ways on the river, checked around to the drunk button who says, "How much can I bet?" Various people at the table reply with some form of it's 5/10 limit, $10. He says, "How much? I bet the pot," and is reminded it's a limit game. He says, "Crap. I was told this is pot limit. You can't bluff anyone in limit. I check."

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Guy #1 - "Do you play a lot of poker."
Guy #2 - "Yeah, I play in a lot of home games."
Guy #1 - "Hold 'em?"
Guy #2 - "Nah, dealers choice."
Guy #1 - "What's your favorite game?"
Guy #2 - "Fours and Whores."
Guy #1 - "How do you play that?"
Guy #2 - "Uh, it's like stud, with special rules. There are a bunch of wild cards, but I can't remember which ones."

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Reminds me of one I heard the other day...

A player asks how do you win the bad beat jackpot?

Someone pipes up and says: By not raising preflop!

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An actual conversation with a friend of mine who claims to be a good poker player.

Him: I'm so mad, I lost so much money last night.
Me: Bummer.
Him: Get this, I had AA in the BB and I lost.
Me: Did you raise them, how many people in the pot?
Him: No, they all stayed in. They stay in with anything.
Me: Um...
Him: Anyways, the board showed J5373. The guy went all-in. I had to call him. He showed J3. If the river card had been ANY OTHER card then the 3, I would have won. I always get beat on the river.
Me: .....

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I'm playing 3-6 at a festival, 7 card stud ( no hold 'em). Go to the river, I have a pair of kings on board. One guy keeps "me honest". I don't flip over my hole cards, I just say "Beat the Kings".

The guy responds,," uhh crap, I can't beat KINGS!!"

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Another one I heard last night from my great poker friend.

River brings the third 7 on the board. Player A bets some amount, Player B just calls him (we're playing NL). Player A flips up JJ for full house, Player B shows K7 for quads. The table is incredulous.

"Why the hell didn't you raise him?"
"I thought he might fold"

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online about a year ago, Im in a pot against 2 fish. I have J10 suited, and have flopped an open ended str8 draw, and the board also has a flush draw (different suit than mine). Fish min. bets, I call other fish folds. turn is junk, same thing..min. bet, call. river misses me, but hits the flush (that Im not chassing). fish min bets, I bluff the flush for a pot size bet...fish thinks, and thinks..then calls (UGH). Pot comes my way??? He shows like 85 (no pair, 8 high). He then types in "I knew you were bluffing".

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Last weekend B&M 3-6:
The board is 5 clubs
Down to three, first guy bets (with a club), second guy calls (with a club), button calls, and proudly declares, "Three of a kind."

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my future sister-in-law once called my wife to showdown with Q-high. this was her 2nd time playing. my brother asked why she called down. her reply..."i was bluffing".

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After a fair amount of raising and re-raising throughout.

"Jack High"
"What's your kicker"
"8"
"It's good."

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Last time I played live, I heard two guys discussing how 5-10 was an awesome hand because it made every possible straight.

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First round of a tourney. $100 in chips and blinds are only 1-2. I raise as the first one in to $8 with AK. Folded to the big blind who calls with 34o. Flop is A25 and he takes about a quarter of my stack by the end of the hand.

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Me: "Joe, why the hell did you call with that?"
Joe: "I don't like it when people just win the blinds."

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Two guys at my table the other night, are verbally abusing each other all night long. On this one particular hand, one of the guys is in the BB and the other guy is in SB, anyways, the guy in the small blind pushes all in on the guy in the BB, he has the guy covered though. So the guy in the BB goes "Im going to call, but I dont have that much, perhaps you would consider deez nuts as payment" The BB then proceeds to push the chips he has left into the pot, stands up, and rests his nuts on the table railing, all while flipping over quads and laughing like a little school girl.

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Lively 10-20 game last week. Player one takes a good pot with AK, suited, pair of kings wins. Player two, on his fifth $200 re-buy in an hour shows K-2 off suit and says "I never win with that hand, but it's one of my favorites."

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in a NL HE tourney, I go all in w/ a short stack w/ As 9s from the button, the SB w/ a huge stack calls quickly, BB folds.
I turn over my A9s, and he turns over 3h 6h and says this gem:
"damn, you're suited too?"